I don't know what it is or if it even falls under EN but I just can't stand to spend time with my mother. I cringe at everything she says, I'm always on edge when she's talking to other people in case she says stuff that doesn't make sense or says the wrong thing.
Like spending more than 15 mins at a time with her makes me so anxious and frustrated. I'm know I'm supposed to love her but genuinely I just tolerate her. Sometimes I wish I was like normal people who had love and affection for their parents. I just see her and feel absolutely nothing and I hate myself for it. The more time I spend with her (unfortunately I'm back living at home) the more I realise how much I dislike her and being in her general presence.
I don't understand people when they say they go to their mother for comfort. I get away from her for comfort. I don't understand people who say they can tell their parents anything. I genuinely have to keep conversations light so that I don't get into anything deep or have expectations for anything so I don't end up disappointed with how little they know or care about me.
It's incredibly frustrating to be 24 years old and feel like a spoiled, moody child around your mother especially when we're around other people. The worst part is listening to her gloat about how her kids turned out and what she 'taught' us and how successful we are because of that. Like she didn't teach us basic life skills or even social skills. I've had to teach myself everything and learn by silently watching my friends and cousins who have real connections with their families. I feel like such a freak when my friend's parents ask me about my parents and I don't know anything about them like even their birthdays, or why I prefer living away from home. I lie and say it's about my independence but honestly I wish with all my heart I had some sort of connection that made me want to stay with them.
It's the worst feeling in the world when you know you're supposed to be able to feel love for someone, like it's ingrained in animals, babies etc to want their mother or love their mother and I genuinely don't have that basic feeling at all. She could die tomorrow and all I'd be thinking about is who would cook lunch and dinner. It's so awful.
