207: Special Ed

Before he discovered black holes, it was any swirling thing that sucks you in. Like, even when he was months old, if he saw a ceiling fan, it was the only time he would quiet. He would just stare at that ceiling fan. I know a lot of babies do, but he just was obsessed.

And then, when he was three, he had an imaginary friend, but it wasn't a boy, it was a fan. But this one was called bad, bad fan. And its blades were teeth. And then it had these little, tiny eyes and these little, tiny feet at the bottom, and it would kill people. It would just blow on people and that would kill them because his breath was filled with teeth. And then, sometimes when he broke things, he said bad, bad fan did it. And it was kind of creepy, you know? It was just me and him living in the house. And you start thinking- oh.

He had to destroy all day long. He had to. He couldn't not. He destroyed his favorite toys. He destroyed my favorite furniture, anything that meant anything, especially.

And I used to watch The Sally Jessy Raphael Shows, or whoever it was that had all those shows about the out-of-control- I think it was Montel- had all the shows about the out-of-control, really young children. And the parents had to lock the door against them at night. And they lived in fear. And, supposedly, nobody could help.

And I would always think well, you must be really bad parents. I would never have a problem with controlling my kid. I would teach them how to act. And if I had your kid for a week, he'd shape up. And so, of course, once I became afraid of my child, I didn't tell anyone because I thought they would think the same thing about me. And I kind of thought the same thing about me. You know, he'd be nice and normal, and then just do something so horrible and senseless.

And it seemed like that to Sam too. He could never understand. He'd do something like try to break the cat's leg, something like that. And then, immediately afterwards, he'd be crying and saying, "I don't know why I did that." And he would be just as angry and sad as I was. And he'd say, "I don't understand." And he'd start punching himself and biting himself and putting bruises all over his body. Ugh! Oh, that was a horrible life.