I recently went through my childhood records because I’m trying to understand myself better as an adult with autism and I’m trying to seek additional help. What I read honestly shook me.
In the notes, my mom described me as “violent.” It says I hit her repeatedly, broke things, and that authorities were contacted because she was afraid of me. They also labeled me as having “problem-creating behavior.” I don’t recognize that kid.
I remember spending most of my time alone in my room playing games. Yes, I got intense. Yes, I reacted strongly when something felt unfair or unclear. I’ve always thought in pretty black and white terms and struggled with emotional overload. But violent? Dangerous? Someone my mom was afraid of? That doesn’t match my memory.
What hurts the most is that the entire record is basically “mother reports.” Her version became the truth. There is almost no trace of my perspective. I was a minor. I didn’t understand what was being said about me. I didn’t know I could question it. Now, as an adult, I’m reading a file that defines me in a way that feels foreign.
I don’t have contact with my mom or that side of the family anymore since 5 years back (i was 18/19). The home wasn’t stable. From my side, there was emotional abuse and a lot of volatility. I often felt provoked, criticized, or pushed into overload. None of that context is in the notes. Instead, it reads like I was the threat.
What also hurts is that the records say my mom said i “needed a male role model,” which indirectly painted my dad as absent or inadequate. The reality is that I later lived with my dad for five years and we never had the kind of explosive conflicts described in the file. If anything, my difficulty building a close relationship with him has more to do with the trauma and instability from earlier years, not because he failed me. He deserved a fair portrayal too.
Reading it now triggers something deep in me. I care a lot about fairness and truth. Seeing myself described in a way that feels wrong makes me question my own memory for a second. And that scares me.
Has anyone else here with autism read old records where your parent’s narrative became the official story? How did you deal with that? Did you add your own statement later? Or did you just accept that the file will never reflect your side?
Honestly, i am just trying to see if there is anyone out there that resonates with this so that i do not feel alone.
